Entry # 002 - Into the darkness

Strap in and prepare for a bumpy ride.

Past drug addiction and my struggle with it at times is the hot topic of the day!

It will be long, and possibly boring at times, but should provide at least some marginal degree of insight into who I am/have been at times during my life. As well as who I have developed into due to taking the proverbial "hard road" every chance I could (most of the time, due to my own willful ignorance).

If you need to get a drink, some popcorn, etc.. then now is the best time to do so, because I can guarantee you are not going to want to stop reading at certain points.

Away we go!

I began using drugs shortly into my first year of high school, a few of my closest friends had been smoking marijuana for a few years by that point and I had always kept the attitude that I wasn't going to involve myself in that scene.

My mother had tried very hard to etch the "drugs are bad" mentality into me, in hopes of preventing me from ever starting to use them (or ending up involved with harder narcotics down the road). However, peer pressure can prove to be quite the motivational tool...

I had been a Straight A Student up until the point I began smoking pot, at which point my grades declined steeply at an alarming rate, more so due to my new found lack of motivation to participate more than anything, which was obviously brought on by my newly acquired taste for getting high during school hours instead of attending classes.

This went on right up until I was expelled from Kam High for truancy (this was not the first time, in fact I believe it was the second or third time I had been expelled from a school for the same reason, it was the last time however).

I was younger, a complete fool in terms of what to prioritize and what not to, many peers considered me to be a major jackass.

I chose sides based on superficial and ridiculous criteria, aligned myself with certain individuals one week and then turned my back on them the next. There were a few occasions where this caused conflict, resulting in physical altercations with former friends.

I did everything I possibly could to ensure I segregated myself from anyone I didn't directly care about or consider to be the closest of trusted friends. My lack of caring far superseded any concern I had about what someone else thought about me or my habits, an unfortunate and unappealing character trait that I have long since ejected from my repertoire.

I continued to use marijuana throughout my teen years, and still do to this day, albeit much more casually than I once did. However, this is where the story takes a shocking and dramatic turn for the worse.

Around the age of 20, I became involved with a young woman who I fell head over heels in love with. We began seeing each other and everything was picture perfect. I had reached a point in my life where I was considering settling down for the long haul, as I had always been more of a relationship person opposed to just hooking up for good times.

As our relationship progressed I began to seriously consider a future for the two of us, little did I realize that the proverbial walls blocking our way were constructed of titanium, not wood, and would prove to be impossible to break through.

In the Summer of 2003 she had been invited to spend a month or two with her sister, who lived in Osoyoos where I am located, her parents/her home was in Oliver.

It was great to start, but after awhile the two sister's became less tolerant with the situation (as they are quite the opposite of each other) and fighting broke out amongst her and the other sister on an almost daily basis. When she could no longer handle it, I suggested she come and stay at my place instead, which she thought was a great idea and after a short discussion with her parents I was moving her things from her sister's place into my own.

She began spending a large amount of time at her sister's place again, shortly after moving in with me, and that was when I first started to consider that something was out of the ordinary. I have an extremely keen sense about things, one might go as far as to consider it clairvoyant at times, I am literally that accurate in my observations and my instincts have proven correct time and time again.

Shortly afterwards, I discovered she was using Methamphetamines, otherwise known as Speed or Crystal Meth for those of you who have never been involved in such a scene, and her older sister had been as well. Little things started to reveal themselves, and it turned out that nearly everyone who had been staying there at the time had been heavily using Meth, behind my back the entire time for months.

One of these people was a close friend I had known for over a decade. He is still heavily involved in the scene, even after all these years. It really is a shame.

I felt foolish to say the least. I have an IQ higher than 150 (no, I am not kidding) and I was unable to tell that something so obvious was happening right in front of me. Unfortunately, all the book smarts in the world only go so far, and regardless of whether my IQ was 15 or 150, I would have never figured it out until the time came.

I made my opinion immediately known, I refused to try this garbage and was greatly disappointed that she had been using this behind my back. When I discovered that the dealer providing them with crystal was someone I disliked and had previous disputes with, I became livid. This guy was someone who had originally been painted as a decent fellow, and I came to terms with the fact that any information I had been fed previously was just to cover up the true intentions of his being present at the house most days.

A point came where I lost it completely, gathered up a crew of my closest friends, and proceeded to run the piece of shit dealer out of the house altogether (as he was hanging out daily by this time, looking for any naive victim he could sink his hooks into and prey on, which was when I reached the limit of my patience and could no longer deal with it).

My girl became distant, distracted, and seemed to lose interest in me following this. I became worried, as losing her was the worst of my fears. Had I pushed too hard? I had obviously made mistakes at times. My mind was racing to determine the outcome and panic began to overwhelm me.

I started considering things I could change to make sure she understood I was still interested, and ensure she had feelings for me still as well, in the end it came down to one easy solution:

I was going to try using Meth. Fuck it. I justified it by using the excuse that I didn't know what else to do to keep her with me. A poorly fabricated excuse at best, designed by my own messed up consciousness and misplaced drive to try and keep her with me.

I had tried cocaine on various occasions by this point, so I wasn't put off by the prospect of trying the drug itself, what bothered me was that people who were doing it were smoking it. I've never been a person who was able to smoke anything out of glass, it seems sickening and disgusts me, always has and always will. However, if you can snort it....

And so began the next few months of my life. The social aspect of Meth addiction is probably what makes it so appealing to be honest, it becomes like a party that you had a really great time at and do not want to end. You are mostly surrounded by like minded individuals and friends/aquaintences, which only furthers the need to maintain that social structure and feeling of adequacy it provides. Even if it is completely false.

I moved from my place in Osoyoos, to a place in Oliver in order to be closer to my girl. We were really on the rocks now, and things were looking worse than ever. We fought all the time, got high all the time, had sex all the time (no complaint from me in that regard :P) and were almost always in grumpy moods.

It was all coming to an end.

I started to consider why I was still doing Meth, my reasons for beginning were all but lost. I had willingly accepted what I was doing, and it made me sick to my stomach. I pride myself on being strong willed and having a set of values that most modern men lack, and I had thrown everything to the wolves all so I could try and maintain an illusion of happiness by causing myself the worst pain I had ever known. Senseless.

I moved from my apartment in Oliver, back to Osoyoos. Soon after I left to work in Alberta for a small company called Western Wood Services that specialized in Power Pole Testing/Replacement/Preservation and just general Wood Preservation techniques and services. I was still seeing my girl at this time, although I was never sure why (still trying to hold on to that feeling I suppose) and we broke up while I was away, during a phone call.

I've never touched Meth since leaving for Alberta that season. I did have a few run in's with coke, casually and in a social environment, but I've long since given up that part of my life as well.

I don't drink, except for the odd beer or shot with good friends, and I do still smoke grass (as mentioned above). But other than that, my vices have been strictly limited.

When you are using drugs of any sort to concoct that illusion of happiness for yourself, you are simply kidding yourself and hurting others around you. It is not worth it, period. Some people never come to terms with this, and it doesn't make them lesser individuals than myself, it simply means I have chose to correct the problem and they have chosen to allow it to continue.

Eventually everyone has to face the music, the choice you make is yours.

Entry # 001 - The first glimpse inside

It is 2:00am.

I should already have been sleeping peacefully for hours. However, here I am again, awake at this late hour and just beginning to feel the signs of daily fatigue. I cant go as far as to call it full blown insomnia, but it's damn close by my approximation.

Winter seems to have this effect on me, it's not random by any means and I find myself afflicted by an impressive lack of sleep during the Winter months. This has been occurring for the better part of the last four years or so. I sleep great during the Summer, Fall and Spring seasons (heat does bother me slightly in the Summer though, but it's tolerable because I am used to it).

Whats the point? well, there really isn't one, I just wanted to rant about my sleep habits and how I can't stand Winter because of how it effects my sleep schedule in particular.

Moving on...

Lately I've found myself happier than I've been in years.

Partially due to changes I've made in the way I handle things in life, and (mostly) due to a turn of events over the last few months that have allowed me to get close to someone I have had feelings for, but was unable to because of her already being involved with someone else.

When I think someone is worth waiting for, I wait, what can I say? it might be pathetic to some people, to others romantic, to me it is simply what I do if I feel a certain way. Sappy, but true.

Anyone that has ever known me for any substantial period of time, knows that I'm not the type of guy who goes around looking to move in on women that are already taken, it is simply not what I do and goes against values I have that set me apart from most modern day degenerates (despite having been involved with numerous individuals over the years who would do such a thing at a moment's notice).

So, when the proverbial opportunity knocked, I was there to answer the door. It had never been a secret about the way I felt previously, but I had kept myself under wraps and respectful both out of respect for her and for the fact that she was already in a relationship.

After a few very long, late night chats with her, we started to find that we have a ridiculous amount in common. More than anyone else I have ever been attracted to, in fact the amount of things we do have in common are just downright shocking.

The first night we spent around four hours chatting, she lives a long distance away from me and chat was the easiest method of communication, and the second it was around six. I've never been so interested in hearing what someone else had to say, which speaks volumes to me, and it became even more apparent as we spoke that the feelings I had held onto for all this time were mostly mutual. Both of us were single now, and looking forward to a visit we had planned for the Spring.

Unfortunately, a turn of events came about that caused her to have to come down much sooner than expected. It is only the circumstances that surrounded her having to make that trip that are unfortunate, and as it is not my business to discuss I will just leave it at that. A side effect was that we were both going to get to see each other much sooner than we had planned, and I was excited about it to say the least.

After a few days wait, we managed to get things setup and she was able to set some time aside from her busy schedule to spend a weekend down here, visiting her friends and hanging out with yours truly.

I had a great time, and I think she did too. The one thing we both knew was going to be tough was the whole long distance aspect of things, I get extremely attached (not in a sickening, jealous type of way) and she does too, that can be a volatile combination if not handled delicately. All in all I can see things turning out great, to say the least, I just wish we lived closer, and it makes me wonder if I waited too long to make my feelings known.

After all, I can always make another friend, but it's slightly more difficult to find that person who just might be (prepare for the cliche) the one.

Perhaps I'm not done learning lessons after all.